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From TTC to BFP: Life’s Big Moment

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How did you feel the first moment you saw that positive pregnancy test?  I have always imagined this amazing scenario – where me and my husband see the BFP at the same time and we are so excited we can’t contain ourselves, birds fly overhead signing “Circle of Life”, and we kiss and hug and put our hands on my belly in loving anticipation.    But when saw that pregnancy test, that’s not exactly how it went.

I remember wanting those 2 minutes to hurry by so that I could look at another “not pregnant” and go back to sleep. We had just returned from a weekend “party” camp-out where I had stayed sober “just in case” I was pregnant. Looking back, I think deep down I knew I was pregnant. I’d had the pregnancy signs.  My boobs were incredibly sore and my body temperature was running so high that I had taken a cold shower at the “party” camp-out at 2am. I remember people passing me saying things like “How high are you to be showering right now? It’s freezing!” Funny.  But I had sloughed it all off to PMS. I was tired of obsessing over pregnancy signs and being disappointed.

When my blurry eyes looked at the stick I remember thinking – that looks like only one word. I grabbed my glasses. I think my first words were “oh my god.”  And my husband’s first words were, “really?”  BFP! Life changes so fast in those few seconds, it’s impossible to comprehend.  We were in shock.  We didn’t say anything, we didn’t kiss, we just stared and sat in silence.

You can want to be pregnant, and obsess over trying (if you’re like me), and imagine yourself with a precious little baby, but actually seeing the words “Pregnant” on that little stick are a completely different story. I felt excited, but I also felt guilty…what about last weekend when I had too much wine? I felt worried…what if I lose the baby in the first few months?  I felt an enormous weight of responsibility…I’m going to be someone’s mother. Does a mother party and go to music festivals and burning man like I did? How will this change me, and will I still be me?

Suddenly, I was equally overwhelmed and excited by the idea of being a parent. My planning mind was caught up in all that had to change – from the vast amount of baby stuff we had to acquire to the vast amount of stuff I had to cut out of my life for 9 months.  I couldn’t stop picturing this little life growing inside of me, and feeling elated at the idea of having a family. And yet, my mind also wandered to the stuff I would be giving up by having kids – the travel, the freedom, sleeping in, making love on a whim.  Suddenly, life starts to feel like it’s moving in fast motion.

After riding a roller coaster of emotions for the first two trimesters, I can say honestly that I’m overwhelmingly excited and elated at meeting my daughter in a few weeks.  But I’m still scared shitless, and I still wonder – who will the mom-version of Lauren be? I now feel like I was always meant to be a mom, like I’ve finally found the missing piece of my life.  But I also worry about losing the non-mom-carefree version of Lauren, will she still be in there? I look at pictures of myself before pregnancy and think that I look younger, even though the pictures are less than a year old.

How did you feel when you first found out you were pregnant, and how do you feel now?

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